Saturday, June 26, 2010

Really Crappy Day

I made up some good ribs last night. The potato salad was made with red potatoes so it wasn't as good as usual. Ya just gotta use the Idahos to make good potato salad. The gristle and bones as well as the pot liquor from parboiling the ribs was a big hit with the dogs.

I think Bo must have gotten a little too much rib fat for his geriatric digestive system. I think that because...well, I was just a couple of steps outside the computer room on the deck smoking a cigarette when Bo the Ancient literally came flying out from under the desk group headed for the door. Bo does not "fly" anywhere, even on his best days, but this was at least as fast as he had ever been, even as a pup. Alarm bells went off in my head and I grabbed for the sliding glass door handle in sheer panic. As near as I can calculate, I was about two, maybe two and a half heartbeats too late. Bo ran headlong into the closed door with a resounding "THUD". Upon impact, the contents of his gut continued forward removing the pressure on his butt which relaxed. A split second later the laws of physics took over, much like dropping a rock in a bucket of water, and the liquid rebounded and shot from his butt about a foot and a half, give or take. It was not just a narrow stream either. The collision addled him for a second causing him to sit back in that mess. I got the door open, got him up and out onto the deck. He wobbled about, plopping down here and there dookey-stamping his butt on my deck in several places.

Dealing with the immediate problem instead of thinking the entire situation through, I ran and got the hose, but the water was turned off in the basement because of the freezing weather. I was not pleased. I ran down the steps to the basement, unlocked the big doggie bunkroom door and turned on the water. I ran back upstairs and shut off the water to the hose that was now spraying willy-nilly about the deck like a mad snake. I realized the faucet below it under the deck was still on so I ran down the front steps, turned it off and ran back up to the deck to wash the crap off Bo before he could repaint the whole deck in nozzle...crap. I ran to the back door to get the new ones I had just bought and raced back to the has a quick disconnect fitting on it that was too tight to get off...crap!...down to the basement to find an adapter. I found two and raced back up the stairs, screwed it into the nozzle, plugged it into the hose, turned the water back on and hosed Bo down. It is cold, the water was colder and now I am off his list of fun people to hang with. I parked him in the sun and screwed the other adapter into the jet sprayer and got that on the hose. It took about half an hour to remove all the crappy butt prints from the deck. I shut off the water, hung up the hose and gasped a sigh of relief. My relief was as premature as it was short lived. It was at that point that I realized I should have just closed the door and took care of the carpet first.

The deck is mine and the carpet is Miz Dee's so I can't fault my autonomous prioritizing system, but, in this case, it was in grave error. I opened the sliding glass door, gagged and raced for the basement. I found my wide spatula, ran back upstairs and grabbed a roll of paper towels, a spray bottle of pet stain remover and a Wally World bag. It took ten minutes to scrape the worst of it up, all the time it stank like I was wearing a skunk for a gas mask. I sprayed the resulting horrible stain thoroughly with pet stain remover, then opened the sprayer and poured all of it on. I got the carpet cleaner and started in on the stain. After a couple of carpet cleaner dumpings and refillings, it is down to barely noticeable. If the carpet is ever going to exactly match the rest of the room, I'll have to paint it.

I am sitting here writing this to you almost two hours since the initial event. I am patiently waiting for it to get funny, which I know it eventually will. So far, I am not amused. I can hardly wait until Miz Dee gets home...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Judging from their comments, I am beginning to wonder if liberals and the far left have stuck their heads so far up their butts that they have actually reentered the world through their own mouths.
---William Fortner 2010---


Illegal aliens are thieves who have broken into our house and are stealing from us. They have neither earned nor deserve any special consideration. Deportation is a very mild punishment indeed and that should proceed as rapidly as possible.
---William Fortner 2010---

Friday, June 18, 2010

Medal of Honor

Have you ever met a Medal of Honor winner that was a braggart? I haven't. I wonder if only
humble men are capable of earning it or if the honor humbles all men who receive it.
---William Fortner 2010---

50% Unemployment

I would gladly accept 50% unemployment if half the federal departments were abolished and half of the remaining bureaucrats were fired along with the czar shadow government. I know that would "stimulate" the economy and put America back to work by removing the speed bumps and roadblocks
on the road to recovery.
---William Fortner 2010---

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Fourth Of July

The Fourth of July is upon us with displays of patriotism and national pride, however, I take exception to those who would wear the flag as clothing. How disrespectful. Most have not earned the right to wear the flag in any manner and flag hats, shirts, pants, swimsuits, even underwear are a sad commentary on the state of true patriotism in this nation. I wonder if any of these people gave even the slightest thought to the fact that the white stripes signify purity and innocence or that the red signifies hardiness and valor. It is also the color of the blood that was shed making this country free. Americans have shed rivers of blood for the precious ideal of freedom and not just American freedom, but the freedom of other nations and peoples. That blood runs just as red and just as freely to this very day. The blue signifies perseverance, vigilance and justice. When we have been slack in those three vital attributes we suffered for it. The red and white stripes signify the 13 new states that were formed by the Constitution of these United States, a timeless document that is the epitome of clarity of thought and purity of purpose. The stars on the blue background enumerate the states currently in this union. Blue is also the color of the heavens above that surround us all and the location of stars in our universe.

I find none of the lofty attributes symbolized by our flag emblazoned on some dolt’s backside or some airhead’s bosom. I will render due honor and faithfulness to the flag and country for which it stands, I will love it, cherish it, protect it and respect it, but I will not wear some shabby replica…ever. I have earned the right to wear the real thing; and I will, for a little while, soon enough.
---William Fortner 2010---

Monday, June 14, 2010

Lying Encouraged

A "religion" that permits, no, encourages lying for political gain is NOT a religion at all. It is a dangerous and dishonest political system, totally unworthy of trust and inherently dangerous to human freedom.
---William Fortner 2010---

Thursday, June 10, 2010


So Obama wants to "Kick Some Ass." Well, he would have to be double-jointed to kick the appropriate one.
---William Fortner 2010---

It Floats!

It occurs to me that the only reason many in the administration and congress keep their heads above water is because feces floats. I hope to see a lot of sinkers this November.
---William Fortner 2010---

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Compounded Bad Ideas

I took Comedy Central off my favorites list as soon as I heard of their planned "JC" programming. I hope the vast majority of Americans deselect them as well. I am doing what I can to empty their purse and I hope others do the same until they are no longer able to broadcast. If they have that little respect for the people of this country, yet lick the boot of Islam over an equally bad programming idea, then they deserve to be cast into the dust bin of bad ideas. It would be interesting to see if they find an empty purse amusing.
---William Fortner 2010---

Friday, June 4, 2010

Chimney Smoke

A friend of mine said, "I wouldn't trust the Mexican government as far as I can throw a chimney by the smoke." What an elegant way to express the level of trust intelligent people should put in ANY government.
---William Fortner 2010---

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

In Debt

In less than two years, this administration has stripped America of its military power, its economic power and destroyed its respect in the eyes of its greatest enemy. We are in debt well over our heads to our second greatest potential enemy. If we had to fight a war with China over North Korea, we would have to borrow the money from them first!
---William Fortner 2010---

Tough Going

When the going gets tough...the Prez gets a tee time.
---William Fortner 2010---